He knows where this is going.

Once again I've fallen off of the blogging bandwagon, and once again I'm returning to pour out my heart in type.
As I'm looking over my last blog post, my mind is reeling.
So many things have occured since I typed out that post, and I'm thanking God for that.
There are truly too many events that have happened since then to include in this one post, but I might get around to expounding on them as time passes.

First of all, about a week after I wrote that last post I went to a church camp, and God completely wrecked me. I don't know how familiar you are with the term "wrecked," but I mean it in the "breaking point/crying and blubbering/desperately needed" sense. At this camp, I was put on a team to do mission work in a small community a couple of hours away from my home town. The entire week, an apathetic mindset overtook me. I just went through the motions, sort of running on autopilot. On the last night of this camp, there was a prayer walk. There were several different stations, and most of the time was devoted to individual reflection. One of the last stations was a prayer garden. I stepped onto the paved cobblestone pathway with no expectations of an encounter with God. Thankfully, He had a different agenda for the night. My mind started racing, and realizations surfaced in my innermost being. My mind spouted a phrase that completely overwhelmed me: "How can you come work, sweat and bleed in this ridiculous heat to love on complete strangers, and not love your own friends enough to stop this cycle of sin you're in?" Wow. I finally saw God's perspective of my situation, and it broke me. I wept for at least an hour, and one of my good friends shared a dream that she had about me, which verified what God was already doing in me. That's the short version of the story, but that was my true turning point.

Fast forward a month, and I am in Kansas City at the International House of Prayer. My heart was still a little chaotic from its recent shaping up, and I was clueless of what was going to come next. I remember sitting in the prayer room one day and asking God where I was supposed to go from the place I was at. As soon as the question formed in my mind, I began writing things in my journal. The things He had me write were things that were separating me from Him. Some of the things that He highlighted surprised me, but I was excited to begin tearing down some of the barriers that kept me from encountering Him fully. It was a step back to where I knew I should be.

Fast forward again to August. I started college, which, in all honesty, was terrifying. I wondered many times why I couldn't just move to Missouri and attend college while doing an internship at the International House of Prayer. As I began my journey at my college in Texas, a little bitterness resided in my heart from my unfulfilled wishes. God's plan was so much better...It's always so much better. It's kind of humorous to think about now. Anyway, I had a little panic attack the first night I was alone in my dorm. Okay, I was going to have to be an adult. Okay, I was a little bit alone. Okay, I have a lot of responsibility on my shoulders now. These thoughts crippled my mind and I freaked out, for lack of better words. The following week, I got myself settled and tried going to a few churches to see which I felt was right for me. The third church I attended was the House of Prayer here in my college town. Wait a second... a House of Prayer? Yep. I knew it was right for me before 10 minutes had even elapsed after I walked in the door. So there I was, participating in a House of Prayer. Then, God started placing people into my life. People that I knew for less than a week and already felt like I'd known them my whole life. People with similar hearts to mine. People who have been through some of the same things I've been through and struggle with some of the same things I struggle with. Then, I sort of stumbled into an audition for a worship internship at the House of Prayer. Somehow, He gave me the boldness to get in front of people I didn't know at all and sing my praises to Him. So this is where I am now: I'm getting to be involved in a House of Prayer, sometimes playing on worship teams, with people that are extremely dear to my heart and inspire me daily. God is the best orchestrator...ever. Why didn't I believe He would do it? Why did bitterness take root in my heart because I wasn't getting my way at the time? Sometimes I remind myself of a 5 year old, throwing fits when I dont get what I want. God knew the desires of my heart the whole time, and He had a plan so much more grand than those I had for myself. He's training me up here to prepare me for future endeavors in my life.

Well, that's the abbreviated version of the happenings in my life since my last post. I have so much more to say, but since I have an 8am class in the morning I'll leave it at this for now.

I'm so in awe of my Creator. I'm so thankful that He knows where this is going, because I definitely don't.

The Painful Truth.

It's been about 10 months since I last posted anything on this blog. My goal was to post every single month, and I succeeded in that quest for a while. However, I hit a snag. By "snag", I guess I kind of mean a snag in my whole life. Looking back on all of these posts, I see a person who was striving to be a better person and leaning on God immensely to achieve that goal. Looking back, I now see how far I've come from that person. And to be honest, I think maybe I haven't "come" to the right place.

 I'm about to be completely honest here, and lay it all out for anyone who reads this.

Around 10 months ago, I started to change a little bit. I didn't notice it at the time, but I saw certain friends begin to slip away from me. I thought, "Well, I guess they just weren't meant to be in my life right now." Maybe they really weren't, and maybe I was wrong. Anyway, a month earlier, I had deleted every single song off of my iPod that wasn't Christian. As I drifted into different friend groups and different thought patterns, secular songs began finding their way back onto my iPod. I found myself hanging out with some new friends, and was having a great time with them. I'll admit, I allowed myself to conform to the way they did things. I'm not saying these people are bad, and I love them deeply to this day, but I know spending time in their presence didn't further my relationship with God. I knew it then too, but was too content flirting with sin (And yes, that's what I recognize that I was doing) to back up and pray about the direction in which things were heading. I stopped getting in the Word daily and attending church regularly somewhere in the midst of that 10 months. I'm not saying I went to crazy parties, got drunk or did drugs... It doesn't matter if I did/didn't do those things. What matters is that I fell away from God. What matters is that I realized what I was doing, and continued to break His heart. And it breaks my heart. I'm not saying I have made a full 360 and gotten my life back where it needs to be. I think I'm just at that point where I feel like I've hit rock bottom, and now it's time to start getting my life into order again. I think it's time to curl up next to the God who never stopped loving me while I looked at Him and scoffed. He never stopped loving me when I did things I knew would make Him weep. I'm not writing this so anyone feels sorry for me, I promise. I'm writing them so I can look back on this in a couple of months and say, "Wow, I'm so glad I'm on the right track again, running next to God like I should have been all this time." If you're reading this, please pray for me. Pray that I'll put that lifestyle behind me. Pray that I'll break off those harmful sin-leeches.

I'll be back to blog next month... and hopefully I'll be a few steps up on the ladder, on my way up from rock bottom.

To silence the foe and the avenger...

This week has proven busy for me, yet right now I am making myself sit down and write. Truthfully, it is the best thing I can possibly do for myself in this moment. I am unbelievably tired and physically exhausted, but pouring out my heart in typing is a sweet release for me.

Now for a glimpse into my mind lately…

I have been dwelling on Psalm 8:2 recently. The verse states, “Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, because of Your enemies, that You may silence the enemy and the avenger.” Wait a second, so God uses babies to silence the enemy? At first, that sounded quite bizarre to me. The outlandish image of an infant battling with a demon popped into my consciousness immediately as I read the scripture. It took me a few minutes and a few more times reading the passage before I started to ponder and open my mind to a deeper meaning. Infants are the weakest of the weak, correct? They cannot do anything on their own; they prove entirely dependent on their parents. So in other words, the verse is expressing that God uses the weakest people to silence the enemy. I felt a bit taken aback when those thoughts were connected in my mind, but it’s so true. David serves as prime proof. A young boy, he defeated one of the largest enemies of his time. While sifting through all this, I realized that not only does God use the weakest people, but He loves to use them. He delights in us handing our brokenness over to Him to do with it as He pleases. We are not disqualified because of our weaknesses! As I was typing those last few sentences, I had the epiphany that I often use my weakness as an excuse. In my line of thinking, I tell God, “I can’t do such and such, because I’m just sinful and I am so broken right now.” However hard it is to make myself see those excuses for what they truly are, I’m glad God is molding my mind to see things through His eyes. The beauty of being broken and weak is that even in that delicate state God takes pleasure in aiding you in cutting off the enemy, if you cease with the excuses and let Him. With all this heavy on my heart, this is my prayer: “God, You say You use the weakest people to silence the enemy. So here I am, Lord. I am broken; come set Your seal on me.”

Can't break the cycle

So, I still have not had the chance to sit down and pour out my heart again yet... but I refuse to break my habit of updating once a month. Here's another filler, and I will make myself slow down and blog one of these days.

Busy

I haven't forgotten about blogging, but as it turns out, my summer is a lot more hectic than I had previously anticipated. :) I'll be back soon, because I do now, as always, have a lot to say.

Parallelism

So today I caught myself on something. As most everyone knows at this point, Osama Bin Laden was killed. I scrolled down my Facebook page last night reading my friends’ exclamations of joy and lighthearted comments about the news of his death, and it kind of disgusted me. How could we celebrate the death of another? I disagreed with my peers’ reactions and even went as far as to back it up in the Biblical context. Ezekiel 18:32 says, “For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!” I hinted at this on my own Facebook page, declaring that I was appreciative of justice but skeptical about a joyful reaction.

Now here’s where I caught myself…

Today in volleyball athletics we were scrimmaging, messing around really, and all of a sudden we heard someone cry out in pain. I looked over towards the other net and saw a girl on the floor crying. Now, the girl who fell has always rubbed me the wrong way. For a couple of reasons, I dislike her and usually keep my distance. I regret to admit that I found her fall comical and started laughing. I stopped myself immediately, but that is beside the point. There I was, in the middle of a gym that seemed frozen in time with anticipation, laughing at someone who was in pain. As I was walking out of the gym after practice, I discovered a parallel.

No, the girl who fell was not seriously injured or dying. The same principle exists, though, as the one in the instance of Osama Bin Laden. God does not take pleasure in the suffering or death of anyone, and I should strive to do the same.  Laughing at an antagonist who fell and is undergoing suffering equals making lighthearted comments about the death of an adversary. As I realized that, I felt immensely convicted.

Hopefully these random epiphanies will make me a better person. Daily I'm still recognizing that I’m a work in progress.

walking through the valley

I am so unfaithful to my little blog. I just never know what to say.

Anyway, there is a song that has really been touching my heart lately. The lyrics find specific meaning in my life as I can very much relate to them.

“The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear… and I don’t know the reason why you brought me here. But just because You love me the way that You do, I will go through the valley if You want me to.”

I struggle daily with the fact that I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life. The uncertainty clouds mind daily. I see all of my friends picking out colleges and deciding what they want to major in, while I am anxiously awaiting direction for my own life. I don’t know why He brought me to the place I am now, but I’ve decided to surrender it to Him even if it means struggling through some doubt and uncertainty.

“Now I'm not who I was when I took my first step, and I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet. So if all of these trials bring me closer to You, I will go through the fire if You want me to.”

I know that I am on a journey. In the past few years, my eyes have been opened to a new way of life; a new way of love. I look in the mirror and recognize some parts of who I used to be, but I also see that there are new parts being cultivated every day. I know He has been faithful in directing these changes in me, and I know He will continue to guide my steps in the way that pleases Him, even if it means laying down my flesh. He’s still working on me and in me, and I cling to that sweet truth. This process of refining is not comfortable, and challenges come along often. However, I know that I lean into Him during these trials, and in turn become closer to Him. The pain is so worth it when I find myself growing closer to Him.

“It may not be the way I would have chosen when you lead me through a world that's not my own, but You never said it would be easy. You only said I'll never go alone.”

I am in this world, but I know that I am not of this world. Along the pilgrimage of my time on earth, I know that adversity will rise against me. It will not be easy, and has not been easy so far. Above all the chaos of this life, I see my God reaching down from Heaven, offering His hand to help me through this affliction. I will never be alone as long as I am His.

“So when the whole world turns against me, and I'm all by myself, and I can't hear You answer my cries for help… I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through, and I will go through the valley if You want me to.”

When I am persecuted by the people that I love, and I feel abandoned… When I cry out to God and I don’t hear Him answer my pleas… I will remember how He suffered on the cross for me. He loved me so much that He went through immense pain. If He did this for me, then I choose to persevere through hardships.

“When I cross over Jordan, I’m gonna sing, Gonna shout. I’m gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down. So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You, and I will walk through the valley if you want me to.”

When I finally make it to Heaven, I will dance in delight. I will look into His eyes and know that He never left me. He never abandoned me, and He never failed me. I know the way I need to travel on is narrow, and it will not be simple, but it will lead me home to Him in the end. So I will walk through the valley, if He needs me to.