It's been about 10 months since I last posted anything on this blog. My goal was to post every single month, and I succeeded in that quest for a while. However, I hit a snag. By "snag", I guess I kind of mean a snag in my whole life. Looking back on all of these posts, I see a person who was striving to be a better person and leaning on God immensely to achieve that goal. Looking back, I now see how far I've come from that person. And to be honest, I think maybe I haven't "come" to the right place.
I'm about to be completely honest here, and lay it all out for anyone who reads this.
Around 10 months ago, I started to change a little bit. I didn't notice it at the time, but I saw certain friends begin to slip away from me. I thought, "Well, I guess they just weren't meant to be in my life right now." Maybe they really weren't, and maybe I was wrong. Anyway, a month earlier, I had deleted every single song off of my iPod that wasn't Christian. As I drifted into different friend groups and different thought patterns, secular songs began finding their way back onto my iPod. I found myself hanging out with some new friends, and was having a great time with them. I'll admit, I allowed myself to conform to the way they did things. I'm not saying these people are bad, and I love them deeply to this day, but I know spending time in their presence didn't further my relationship with God. I knew it then too, but was too content flirting with sin (And yes, that's what I recognize that I was doing) to back up and pray about the direction in which things were heading. I stopped getting in the Word daily and attending church regularly somewhere in the midst of that 10 months. I'm not saying I went to crazy parties, got drunk or did drugs... It doesn't matter if I did/didn't do those things. What matters is that I fell away from God. What matters is that I realized what I was doing, and continued to break His heart. And it breaks my heart. I'm not saying I have made a full 360 and gotten my life back where it needs to be. I think I'm just at that point where I feel like I've hit rock bottom, and now it's time to start getting my life into order again. I think it's time to curl up next to the God who never stopped loving me while I looked at Him and scoffed. He never stopped loving me when I did things I knew would make Him weep. I'm not writing this so anyone feels sorry for me, I promise. I'm writing them so I can look back on this in a couple of months and say, "Wow, I'm so glad I'm on the right track again, running next to God like I should have been all this time." If you're reading this, please pray for me. Pray that I'll put that lifestyle behind me. Pray that I'll break off those harmful sin-leeches.
I'll be back to blog next month... and hopefully I'll be a few steps up on the ladder, on my way up from rock bottom.
