To silence the foe and the avenger...

This week has proven busy for me, yet right now I am making myself sit down and write. Truthfully, it is the best thing I can possibly do for myself in this moment. I am unbelievably tired and physically exhausted, but pouring out my heart in typing is a sweet release for me.

Now for a glimpse into my mind lately…

I have been dwelling on Psalm 8:2 recently. The verse states, “Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, because of Your enemies, that You may silence the enemy and the avenger.” Wait a second, so God uses babies to silence the enemy? At first, that sounded quite bizarre to me. The outlandish image of an infant battling with a demon popped into my consciousness immediately as I read the scripture. It took me a few minutes and a few more times reading the passage before I started to ponder and open my mind to a deeper meaning. Infants are the weakest of the weak, correct? They cannot do anything on their own; they prove entirely dependent on their parents. So in other words, the verse is expressing that God uses the weakest people to silence the enemy. I felt a bit taken aback when those thoughts were connected in my mind, but it’s so true. David serves as prime proof. A young boy, he defeated one of the largest enemies of his time. While sifting through all this, I realized that not only does God use the weakest people, but He loves to use them. He delights in us handing our brokenness over to Him to do with it as He pleases. We are not disqualified because of our weaknesses! As I was typing those last few sentences, I had the epiphany that I often use my weakness as an excuse. In my line of thinking, I tell God, “I can’t do such and such, because I’m just sinful and I am so broken right now.” However hard it is to make myself see those excuses for what they truly are, I’m glad God is molding my mind to see things through His eyes. The beauty of being broken and weak is that even in that delicate state God takes pleasure in aiding you in cutting off the enemy, if you cease with the excuses and let Him. With all this heavy on my heart, this is my prayer: “God, You say You use the weakest people to silence the enemy. So here I am, Lord. I am broken; come set Your seal on me.”

Can't break the cycle

So, I still have not had the chance to sit down and pour out my heart again yet... but I refuse to break my habit of updating once a month. Here's another filler, and I will make myself slow down and blog one of these days.

Busy

I haven't forgotten about blogging, but as it turns out, my summer is a lot more hectic than I had previously anticipated. :) I'll be back soon, because I do now, as always, have a lot to say.

Parallelism

So today I caught myself on something. As most everyone knows at this point, Osama Bin Laden was killed. I scrolled down my Facebook page last night reading my friends’ exclamations of joy and lighthearted comments about the news of his death, and it kind of disgusted me. How could we celebrate the death of another? I disagreed with my peers’ reactions and even went as far as to back it up in the Biblical context. Ezekiel 18:32 says, “For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!” I hinted at this on my own Facebook page, declaring that I was appreciative of justice but skeptical about a joyful reaction.

Now here’s where I caught myself…

Today in volleyball athletics we were scrimmaging, messing around really, and all of a sudden we heard someone cry out in pain. I looked over towards the other net and saw a girl on the floor crying. Now, the girl who fell has always rubbed me the wrong way. For a couple of reasons, I dislike her and usually keep my distance. I regret to admit that I found her fall comical and started laughing. I stopped myself immediately, but that is beside the point. There I was, in the middle of a gym that seemed frozen in time with anticipation, laughing at someone who was in pain. As I was walking out of the gym after practice, I discovered a parallel.

No, the girl who fell was not seriously injured or dying. The same principle exists, though, as the one in the instance of Osama Bin Laden. God does not take pleasure in the suffering or death of anyone, and I should strive to do the same.  Laughing at an antagonist who fell and is undergoing suffering equals making lighthearted comments about the death of an adversary. As I realized that, I felt immensely convicted.

Hopefully these random epiphanies will make me a better person. Daily I'm still recognizing that I’m a work in progress.

walking through the valley

I am so unfaithful to my little blog. I just never know what to say.

Anyway, there is a song that has really been touching my heart lately. The lyrics find specific meaning in my life as I can very much relate to them.

“The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear… and I don’t know the reason why you brought me here. But just because You love me the way that You do, I will go through the valley if You want me to.”

I struggle daily with the fact that I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life. The uncertainty clouds mind daily. I see all of my friends picking out colleges and deciding what they want to major in, while I am anxiously awaiting direction for my own life. I don’t know why He brought me to the place I am now, but I’ve decided to surrender it to Him even if it means struggling through some doubt and uncertainty.

“Now I'm not who I was when I took my first step, and I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet. So if all of these trials bring me closer to You, I will go through the fire if You want me to.”

I know that I am on a journey. In the past few years, my eyes have been opened to a new way of life; a new way of love. I look in the mirror and recognize some parts of who I used to be, but I also see that there are new parts being cultivated every day. I know He has been faithful in directing these changes in me, and I know He will continue to guide my steps in the way that pleases Him, even if it means laying down my flesh. He’s still working on me and in me, and I cling to that sweet truth. This process of refining is not comfortable, and challenges come along often. However, I know that I lean into Him during these trials, and in turn become closer to Him. The pain is so worth it when I find myself growing closer to Him.

“It may not be the way I would have chosen when you lead me through a world that's not my own, but You never said it would be easy. You only said I'll never go alone.”

I am in this world, but I know that I am not of this world. Along the pilgrimage of my time on earth, I know that adversity will rise against me. It will not be easy, and has not been easy so far. Above all the chaos of this life, I see my God reaching down from Heaven, offering His hand to help me through this affliction. I will never be alone as long as I am His.

“So when the whole world turns against me, and I'm all by myself, and I can't hear You answer my cries for help… I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through, and I will go through the valley if You want me to.”

When I am persecuted by the people that I love, and I feel abandoned… When I cry out to God and I don’t hear Him answer my pleas… I will remember how He suffered on the cross for me. He loved me so much that He went through immense pain. If He did this for me, then I choose to persevere through hardships.

“When I cross over Jordan, I’m gonna sing, Gonna shout. I’m gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down. So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You, and I will walk through the valley if you want me to.”

When I finally make it to Heaven, I will dance in delight. I will look into His eyes and know that He never left me. He never abandoned me, and He never failed me. I know the way I need to travel on is narrow, and it will not be simple, but it will lead me home to Him in the end. So I will walk through the valley, if He needs me to.



16 words to describe me:

Aiming, Searching, Striving,

Stumbling, Hoping, Trusting,

Wondering, Learning, Leaning,

Running, Flying, Writing,

Singing, Longing, Waiting,

and Loving

faithful till the end...

The weather has been wonderful lately, and I am not being sarcastic. The way the sky has a certain grey cast. The way the ice coats the roads. The way my breath curls up in the frigid air. People drive and move in slow motion, taking caution in the icy landscape. It is a mysterious atmosphere. I feel as though the Earth is on the brink of something; something big. This scene causes all of creation to lean in with suspicion.

Sometimes I feel like I’m caught up in waiting. Waiting… for the next exciting event in my life, something unexpected to happen, or a sudden new understanding. Mainly, I feel like I’m waiting on God. I feel like He is leaning over the balcony of Heaven, just about ready to come down. Sometimes a feeling of such great anticipation comes over me that I stop what I am preoccupied with and just expect. I feel like I am hedged in with difficulties all around me. I know that is where God wants me, but I cannot help but feel a bit helpless at times. Days have come and gone when I thought I was falling apart. At certain moments I just want to break down. I know, though, that I’m not going to fall apart, and I’m not going to break down, because He is holding me together. He brings me to the wilderness so I will learn to sing, and He lets me know my barrenness so I will learn to lean. Leaning, and waiting, for Him. Waiting is not a simple task, but I will be faithful as I wait.

So waiting I will be, when my King returns for me. I’ll be here, observing the beauty and the mystery around me. I’ll be here, faithful until the end.

a new understanding...

When I woke up this past Monday morning, I opened my laptop and my Facebook page came up. The posts that I expected to be the usual statuses about mundane life occurrences turned out to be expressions of sorrow. Confused at first, I scrolled down the page, seeing only the words “RIP Shelby” next to all of my friends’ pictures. It hit me all at once. The night before a girl I knew from school had been involved in a car wreck that had killed her. My eyes immediately started watering, and the only word I could mutter past the tears that were rolling down my cheeks was, “What?” I said it about fifteen times before I fully grasped what had happened. I did not know Shelby well. She has been in a couple of my classes throughout the years, and I have had some conversations with her….

She was the first person to pass away in the class of 2012. I guess what hit me the hardest was the fact that she was my age, and now she is gone. How could someone my age have passed away in such a tragic way?

 I walked into my English class today and sat down like usual… Except it was not the way it has been so many times before. In the place of a pretty, smiling 16 year old girl, a bouquet of tiger lilies sat. As my classmates filed into the room, no one said anything. No one had to. As my teacher forced her condolences past her own tears, we all sat in a sorrow-filled silence. After she sat down, I do not know how long we all sat there staring at the floor, trying not to look at the desk where our peer once sat. Later on into the class period, my teacher handed out graded work. When she came to Shelby’s, she smiled. She read to us a couple of the funny comments that Shelby had left on her last vocabulary test, and we could not help but smile with pain in our eyes. It was hard. It was hard to realize that she would never walk through that door again. It was hard to realize that she would never again sit in her assigned desk, smiling as we stumbled through a class discussion. It was hard to realize that those comments on that test belonged to someone who could never leave their handwriting on another paper again.

Life is a vapor. I don’t think I fully understood those words in my last post. Now I do. It only took a second for that drunk driver to hit the car Shelby was in. Only in a small amount of time did the car flip several times. In a minute, a life was lost.

I don’t know why I typed this all out. I guess it is more for my own sake than for anyone reading this. All I know is that I am going to treasure every moment with each one of my friends and family as if it were my last, because in an instant it could all be lost. I don’t know what else to say, I’m still trying to sort through all of these thoughts swirling around in my head myself… life is a vapor. I get it now, I understand that truth…..and walking through that door again tomorrow…seeing that empty desk, it will be hard. But it will remind me what I live for and what I love for.